Good Enough is my Super Power

Good enough truly is a superpower. This 8-year-old spouted off growth mindset concepts, such as “mistakes are how we learn,” yet still struggled with the challenge of perfectionism. She worried about being called out in class, falling behind if she missed class (for enrichment class!), getting it right, or feeling like she wasn’t following the rules. Her perfectionism showed up in much the same way it shows up in many kids’ (and adults’) lives:

 I celebrated when she started embracing the ideas:

Her drawing spoke volumes, embodying the protection and strength of embracing “Good Enough.”

Many parents express confusion about their child’s perfectionism, as they tell me that they don’t necessarily emphasize perfection in achievement. Truly, it’s often the way kids are wired combined with a world that streams perfectionistic standards, offers immediate gratification, and focuses on achievement rather than experiencing life. (That’s a whole other topic we can dive into at a later time.) In the meantime, how do can parents help their kids develop the SuperPower of Good Enough?

Model Imperfection

Yes, the adage “actions speak louder than words” is inherently true. Kids learn better when they not only hear explanations but can see things in actions. Narrate your thoughts and feelings through setbacks and the process of moving through those thoughts and feelings.

For example, comment on experiencing frustration and disappointment but also how you acknowledge and then cope with these feelings when the outcome doesn’t match your expectations. Demonstrate that learning isn’t an all-or-none or linear process; rather, it’s about progress.

Embrace an approach to learning, growth, and development that is good enough for NOW. That’s not giving up. It’s recognizing that we continue to put forth effort to learn and grow; however, we don’t always have control over the speed at which it happens.

Similarly, if we don’t grasp something immediately, it doesn’t mean we are “bad” at it. Kids often say, “I am bad at math.” In reality, it simply means they need more time to grasp complex concepts, which is perfectly normal, particularly as they advance through grade levels. Through modeling, we normalize experiencing challenges and the emotions that accompany them as well as different ways to deal with them.

 Avoid “Perfect” Language

Language matters. How often do you hear yourself or others say, “That’s perfect?” Normalize imperfection, using phrases like:

This is good enough. Oops, that didn’t work. This could work.I’ll try again later after a break.

Notice how you talk to yourself when you make a mistake or something doesn’t go as expected. When you’re unkind or hard on yourself, what do you do to move through that? Do you ever apologize to yourself? Do you find yourself reframing what you say to yourself?

Practice Self-Compassion

Simply put, be kind to yourself. Everyone has challenges, and no one tries to make what we often consider “bad” choices.  We all do the best we can for the situation we are in, with the information we have, and with the resources available to us.

Likewise, we can appreciate the various factors related to a problem or challenging situation:

Looking at these different perspectives encourages compassion and enables us to see that it’s not “all our fault.”

Remember doing the best we can doesn’t necessarily lead to our desired outcomes. That’s OK. Sometimes it is what it is, and it’s good enough. When those choices end up not being the best, we learn from them.

Boost self-confidence

Encourage kids to go outside their comfort zone, even one tiny, small step at a time. Confidence isn’t having all the answers and knowing you’ll get it right. It’s trusting in yourself that you can handle disappointment or the unexpected and figure things out.

 Every time they take a risk, it builds bravery and confidence. It normalizes discomfort and makes it feel less scary next time. It’s often this discomfort and fear of not being able to handle it that holds us back. Experience is how we truly learn, and no one gets it right all the time or escapes feeling embarrassed or awkward.

Celebrate the Process

Shift the focus from achievement to noticing qualities and effort along with the positive outcomes. Achievements can be fleeting and unpredictable, even with hard work. Whatever “success” is, it’s not always in our control.

While scoring a goal and acing a test are worth recognizing, it’s just as important to acknowledge the qualities that contribute to those accomplishments – maybe perseverance, patience, showing kindness, prioritizing, asking for help, or teamwork. It’s qualities like these that contribute to moving forward and making progress and shape them into well-rounded individuals who can withstand failures.

Bottom line: Focus on what truly matters while also celebrating their achievements.

Embrace Uncertainty

In a world where so much is instantaneous, emphasize the value of patience and persistence. Model and normalize the discomfort inherent in uncertainty and not knowing you’ll achieve the desired outcome. We are neither mind-readers nor fortune tellers and neither are our kids. What you can know for now (i.e., the facts) and what you can control is good enough.

 My favorite strategy to embrace is call “Wait and See.” This approach acknowledges that we can’t know everything ahead of time. Our nervousness or anxiety is a sign that we’ll have to be alert to gather information at the time so we can figure out what to do once we’re in a situation. We can wait and see what to do and ultimately decide if the situation was “good or bad” instead of forecasting gloom and doom.

Prioritize Time and Energy

Using a cost-benefit analysis often appeals to the logical side of kids (unless they’re already in a state of heightened anxiety).

For example, I remember going down the rabbit hole of searching to find the “best” luggage tags when getting ready for vacation. That was not time well spent. Often, the time and energy it takes to perfect something isn’t worth it. Sometimes, getting things done or putting it out there before something feels perfect is most definitely good enough. In a world where we truly cannot do it all, good enough is exactly what is needed for some things.

We can strive for excellence without getting stuck in perfectionism. Good Enough isn't settling for less; it's recognizing the value of progress over perfection.  

Good Enough is indeed a Super Power.

How do you incorporate "good enough" into your life?

What strategies have helped tame perfectionism in you or your child?

Moving Beyond Surviving

We’re about a month into various stages of social distancing, sheltering at home, working from home and learning from home. Where are you at? Where are your kids at?  

Regardless of where we’re at, which may change day by day or even moment to moment, we’re in this for the long-haul. Dr. April Seifert aptly likened the Coronavirus pandemic to “an endurance event none of us signed up for”.  We have to survive, but can we also thrive?

Show grace and compassion.

No one has it all figured out. We do the best we can for where we’re at. Give yourself permission to take time figure how to make this work and to make mistakes along the way. Maybe they are not even mistakes. Consider it doing your best given current circumstances and information. Be ready for ongoing adaptation.

We can’t do it all.  When was the last time we had to figure out how to teach, work, and parent at the same time? We’ll need to prioritize, let go, and lower some expectations. Know that even on difficult days, you (and your children) are doing your best.

Avoid comparison and competition.  What is working for you and your family might not work for others and vice versa. We’re all working to do the best we can. Appreciate each other and show kindness. 

Connect to communicate.

Reflect to connect. Encourage communication by paraphrasing back what you hear. Let them know you are listening, not fixing or dismissing.

Get curious.  Understand to collaborate. Avoid starting conversations with accusations or assumptions. Make a statement of concern or observation and ask them in a neutral way for more information. (e.g., What’s going on with that? Was there something that got in the way? I’m confused, I thought you were going to finish that. How’d that work out?)

Have fun. Children need to enjoy spending time with family. Find the time to relax and have fun with family. With online learning and juggling responsibilities, it’s easy to get caught up in the to-do list.

Act in ways that support what we value and who we are.

Pause and reflect on what’s important. Identify your values. These create a compass to prioritize. What we do and how we choose to respond either moves us toward creating a meaningful life and connections or moves us away from what we value.

Focus and build on strengths. Strengths also help us navigate challenges.  Wear your strengths wristbands is a great activity for younger children and teens and adults can take the VIA Character Strengths Survey.

Check in daily. The Greater Good Magazine presented six questions as a way to increase awareness day to day:

These questions keep the focus on TODAY.

They are also value-driven:

health, gratitude, connection, flexibility, and compassion.

Navigating through the pandemic will test perseverance but also highlight our strengths and clarify values. Life is offering us opportunities to develop flexibility, adapt to change, and build resilience. We want to be active participants in moving forward rather than waiting for the pandemic to end and things getting “back to normal.”  We have to survive. I believe that we can thrive.

Anxiety in the Time of Coronavirus (COVID-19)

COVID-19 is a game-changer, at least for now. Life as we know it will change, for awhile. Not surprisingly, COVID-19 can produce heightened, potentially unnecessary anxiety,. Three primary factors causing anxiety are uncertainty, the unexpected, and a lack of control – all of which COVID-19 undeniably generates. Granted, we should have SOME anxiety. Consider anxiety as having three distinct zones:

In relation the Coronavirus, we should be in the Yellow Zone, maybe even high in the Yellow Zone. Being cautious, planning and preparing is what needs to be done. We do not need to panic (i.e., Red Zone). We should keep informed of recommended guidelines and take action (i.e., social distancing, washing hands and surfaces), following them to the best our ability. Rather than obsessively checking the news, statistics, and scrolling the internet and Facebook for news, set aside time for checking in each day at a certain time for a limited amount of time.

Our goal is to weather this pandemic storm together and manage any anxiety provoked by it so we don’t land ourselves in the Red Zone and don’t let thoughts of the Coronavirus consume our lives.

Focus on what you can do rather than what you cannot do.

Acknowledge disappointment but focus on alternatives. Make the changes work for you. Suddenly, we have more time on our hands that we might know what to do with. It likely feels surreal and unnatural. How many times, however, have we wished we had more, unscheduled time? Take advantage of it. With my recently appropriated staycation, I am looking forward to playing more games, decluttering my house, reading, spending time with family, developing a new home workout routine, catching up on some rest, and cooking with my kids. Develop an attitude of gratitude.

View the pandemic as an opportunity to practice and model flexibility, resilience, and kindness.

Flexibility and resilience are qualities that help us become successful as human beings. This is the epitome of the proverbial Plan A not working. It’s a good thing we have an entire alphabet to develop new plans. Learn to accept and tolerate uncertainty as par for the course. Base decisions on information that you have, take things one step at a time, and adjust accordingly. Find ways to be kind to others, whether it’s cooking or leaving food for others, writing letters, using your talents to help others (e.g., online tutoring).

Get Creative.

Given all the change, we’re going to tap into our creativity. We will have to think outside the box and develop new ways of doing things, including maintaining social connection. Social media and technology can be a boon instead of a problem. We can create virtual hangouts, post virtual performances, or even watch movies “together” virtually. My boys already talk to each other while playing video games. In this time of social isolation, connect through writing letters, particularly to grandparents or the elderly who may feel even more isolated given their heightened risk.

Build in Structure

Given disruption in our daily lives and social distancing, we all likely have more time on our hands. Children, and adults for that matter, do well when there is structure. Maintain a regular sleep-wake cycle and mealtimes. Identify what goals are important to you, such as family time, exercise, learning, fun, and creativity and brainstorm activities that support these goals, working them into your day. Even if kids aren’t fully on board, plant seeds and model.  For example, I have a puzzle lying out on a table, anyone can work on as they pass by. We’re planning meals that involve teamwork and time that we usually don’t have time for (e.g., lasagna).

We will weather this pandemic. If we weather it together.

“Life has not been cancelled, only changed. Change is not necessarily bad, only different.”

Check here for additional resources regarding the Coronavirus and managing your well-being.

Emotional Intelligence: Chief to Success

Although not a huge football fanatic by nature, watching my hometown Chiefs these past few seasons, culminating in their Super Bowl win, has made a huge fan out of me. Like many, I am obsessed with Patrick Mahomes. Sure, he has talent, but his emotional intelligence is what is really striking and paved the way to his and the Chiefs’ success. 

Emotional intelligence (sometimes called EQ) is a term coined by researchers Peter Salavoy and John Mayer and popularized by Daniel Goleman in his 1996 book, “Emotional Intelligence.” Emotional intelligence involves:

• Recognizing emotions in yourself and others.

• Understanding how emotions affect behavior and thinking.

• Managing emotions effectively to achieve goals.

Emotional intelligence is linked to improved communication, reduced stress, more connected relationships, improved conflict resolution and resilience. These can lead to improved personal and professional life success. Here are some guidelines for helping develop and use emotional intelligence.

Understand Your Emotions

Emotions give us information about our environment. When we appreciate emotions as a source of information, we can more effectively respond to them. For example:

• Sad: a feeling related to loss, disappointment or missing out.

  Perhaps, we’ve missed out on something or we miss someone. Responses include empathy, validation, expression, seeking ways to reconnect or finding another way to be engaged. I think of the Disney movie “Inside Out” when I think of the sad emotion. They tried to get rid of it, but sad needed to be experienced and allowed for connection.

• Happy: I like what’s going on.

  Being aware of what makes us (and others) happy allows us to be grateful, find enjoyment and include more of it so we can balance out the negative with the positive. 

• Mad: I have a problem. Something is not going my way.

  Being frustrated or mad means a problem has occurred. It leads to empathy. The knowledge may trigger pausing to gather one’s thoughts to brainstorm and consider solutions to the problem. 

• Anxiety: Something dangerous is about to happen; consider this the Red Zone. 

  Mild anxiety: Pay attention or plan for a situation; consider this the Yellow Zone.

  Anxiety is our body’s alarm system, triggering the fight or flight system. Anxiety sometimes, jumps to the Red Zone instead of staying in the Yellow. For example, we feel stressed when we have too much to do. This is an appropriate response and means we need a plan to manage it.

Name Them to Tame Them 

Naming emotions means recognizing and validating them, for ourselves and others. Using language helps reactivate the thinking part of the brain, which is often disconnected or dampened when emotions are high.

• Notice emotions without judging them as good or bad. Too often, we consider being angry or anxious as “bad.” Consider simply saying, “I am feeling anxious.” 

• Validate and model emotion identification in others by naming the emotion and the situation. For example, “You seem overwhelmed with how many things you have to do right now,” or “You’re frustrated because something didn’t go your way.”

Take a Breath
A key to managing emotions is to create space between the situation and one’s emotions, so we can respond (thinking brain) vs. react (feeling brain). Breathing is all about creating the pause and creating space. 

• Consider breathing as a way to interrupt a train of thought and strong feeling, rather than a way to get rid of it. 

• Practice taking a breath between activities as a way to clear the mind. Let go of what happened or what might happen and move to the next activity with focus. Practicing this pause when calm will make it more effective when more necessary.

• Use apps to help clear the mind. Popular apps include Calm, Insight Timer, and Headspace.

Foster a Growth Mindset
In the words of Patrick Mahomes, “I just try to be the best Patrick Mahomes I can be.” Being the best person you can be does not necessarily equate to winning outcomes. But for Mahomes, it likely means he focuses on what he can control, learns from mistakes and avoids comparing himself to others in ways that lead to finding himself lacking. 

• Comparing ourselves to others often leads to envy or inadequacy at the expense of neglecting our own growth and development. Nurturing and growing strengths allows us to become more confident. Instead of adhering to the old adage of “The grass is always greener on the other side,” revise it “Water your own grass.”

• The only way to grow brains is to do challenging things. Rather than viewing challenges from a place of fear, view them as opportunities for growth. Resilience only develops in the face of adversity. Corrections, grades and tests are designed to provide feedback not evaluation of a person’s worth.

Emotional intelligence is key to becoming confident, resilient and successful. Name, honor, and validate feelings. Respect the information feelings are trying to communicate. Be the best you can be, whatever the situation.

Want to know your EQ? Take a quiz.  Emotional Intelligence Test (2019). Psychology Today)

For more information on EQ, check out these articles:
Thirteen Signs of High Emotional Intelligence by Justin BarisoFive Components of Emotional Intelligence by Kendra Cherry and Amy MorinTeaching Emotional Intelligence by Catherine Moore 
Is Emotional Intelligence Relevant for Kids by Catherine Moore

Talking to Your Child about Difficult Topics

I’m not as active on my blog as I’d like, but apparently, there are some things that grab my attention and motivate me to write and post – unfortunately, it’s tragedy. In the last week, two shootings and pipe bombs were fueled by hate. Topics, such as these, are disturbing and may feel difficult to talk about with your child. With the advent of social media and 24-hour news, information spreads quickly. Shielding your child from the news and information is not an option. Other recent events include school shootings, bullying, suicide, racism, and sexual assault. What’s a parent to do? In short, keep the lines of communication open.

• Children may or may not have strong feelings about an event or even be aware of the event. Find out what they know, without interrogating them, by making a brief statement or observation. For example, I heard some people talking about the shooting in Pittsburgh. I wondered if you’d heard about or talked about that. This allows you to correct any mis-information as well as understand your child’s perspective.

• Listen to what your child has to say. Let your child’s answers guide your conversations. Let conversations occur naturally and potentially in small parts.

• Be brief. Stick to the facts. Be truthful. Respond at an age-appropriate level. Younger children may worry about more concrete, practical issues; whereas older children may worry more about the implications of an event.

• Provide reassurance about their safety if needed (i.e., what plans are in place) and what they can do if appropriate.  

• Although you may have your own fears or discomfort related to talking about a potential situation, avoid transmitting your own anxiety to your children. Children often listen in to adult conversations, so be aware of your potential audience if you are discussing an event with another person.

• Teach your children inclusion, kindness, empathy. Teach them to speak up and speak out. Teach them that individuals can make a difference. We can’t necessarily prevent senseless acts of violence, but we can still be empowered to make a difference in the world.

In sum, be available to talk as needed, but don’t over-emphasize a situation. Take your cues from child about how much an issue may or may not need to be addressed.

Additional Resources:

How to talk to children about difficult news

https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/talking-to-children.aspx

How to Talk to Kids About Difficult Subjects

https://www.commonsensemedia.org/blog/how-to-talk-to-kids-about-difficult-subjects

Talking to Children About Tragedies & Other News Events

https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/Media/Pages/Talking-To-Children-About-Tragedies-and-Other-News-Events.aspx

What You Can Do in the Face of School Shootings, Suicide, and Tragedy

The latest school shooting in South Florida,  in combination with recent local suicides, brought about many feelings and reactions,. Sadness. Worry. Frustration. Compassion. Helplessness.

I read through the media and Facebook posts. Many are trying to pinpoint the cause of school shootings. Should we blame the lack of mental health or the gun laws? There is no one answer. It's probably a combination of many factors, and there is no easy or quick solution. What can we do to assuage the feeling hopelessness or helplessness?

CONNECT

That one word is the key to a better world. Be inclusive. Be kind. Be polite. Be generous. When we are inclusive, kind, polite, and generous towards others, we invite them to belong. If people feel they belong, that they are valued, that they are part of a community, they don't feel isolated or targeted. There is no need to strike out towards others or towards oneself. 

When we talk to our children about school shootings and violence and suicide, connect with feelings. Reassure them. Talk to them about it at their level. Encourage conversation and connection with your own child. Avoid creating fear and anxiety; rather, create a sense of empowerment. Talk to your children about what they can do. Talk to them about connecting with others, being inclusive, being kind, being considerate. It's about creating inclusive communities. 

Blowing the Mads and Sads Away: Breathing to Self-Calm

Self-calming is a key skill your child can learn.  The most basic strategy you can teach your child is to breathe slowly and gently to help calm the body’s physical reaction to distress (i.e., the fight or flight feelings). When the body feels bad and is in a state of distress, it’s hard to think or be logical. These physical feelings are like the scary music in a movie. I’m dating myself – but think of the Jaws movie. What makes it so suspenseful and scary is the music! It’s not so scary if there’s no music. Use these strategies to minimize the “music,” decrease overall stress, and self-calm.

Help your child understand what happens to our bodies when angry, frustrated, anxious, etc. Use a doll or drawing to point out the following physical reactions:

• Heart beating fast or pounding
• Breathing fast; feeling short of breath
• Stomachache or nausea
• Hot
• Tight muscles
• Feeling light-headed or dizzy
• Headache
• Tears
• Shaky
• Restless energy

Teach your child slow, gentle breathing.

• Explain: Our bodies are really good at getting upset (or insert other emotions) but not so good at calming down. Our job is to teach it. Let’s talk about how you can help your body to feel better.

• Demonstrate slow, gentle breathing:

1.      Put one hand on your chest below your neck and the other hand right above your belly button. Pretend you have a big balloon in your tummy. Let’s fill it up. Watch you hand go up as you fill it up. Now let it out slowly. Great job! One more time. This helps your body feel calm and relaxed. *Some children also like to do this exercise lying down on the floor.

2.      Our bodies are better at getting upset than calming down. If you want to get better at something, what do we do? That’s right – we practice! Practicing breathing can be pretty boring but I know a secret. The secret is how to blow really awesome bubbles. If you breathe in really slow and let it out gentle, then you can blow super bubbles. Let’s see who can blow the most bubbles. *If your child has trouble blowing bubbles, you can have him “help you” blow the bubbles by breathing in and out just like you as you blow the bubbles. You can also use a pinwheel.

3.      Now let’s practice blowing pretend bubbles. Blow “bubbles.” Did you see how many bubbles I blew? Let’s see how many you can do. Let’s imagine blowing your mads (or other feeling) away. Watch them float away.

• Practice daily. We’re going to practice this every day so we get really good at breathing and feeling calm so when we do get upset, the breathing will work better to help us calm our bodies. This is great for mommies and daddies to practice too. I’m glad we’re going to work together.

R einforce and model the breathing.

1.      Make a habit of breathing every time you change activities (get in/out of car, finish breakfast, go upstairs, etc). Take a slow, gentle breath – like a big sigh. It releases the tension and stress that builds up during the day and helps clear the mind to get ready for the next activity. Do this with your child or remark that you are taking a break and a taking a breath so that the child might join you. This is a life skill that helps reduce overall stress. You might be surprised at how much you benefit from using this strategy!

2.      When your child is upset, breathe with your child. State the emotion and situation. You are so upset we have to leave. I know it would be more fun if we could stay but we have to go. Use the cue: Let’s blow the sads (or mads) away.

3.      Only give your child one, at the most two reminders. You cannot force your child to breathe when upset. You can only model, suggest, and reinforce it. That’s OK if you don’t want to take a breath, but I’m going to take a couple before we leave. Then model the slow, gentle breathing.

4.      Every time you see your child practicing, pay attention and/or praise their effort (even if it didn’t work so well). I’m proud of you for trying your breathing, even if it didn’t help as much as you wanted. I saw you stop and take a breath when upset – you’re doing a great job teaching your body to calm down.

5.      Model breathing when upset. When you have a problem situation arise, talk out loud and about your feelings, the situation, and your breathing. I am upset right now or that didn’t go as expected. I’m going to take a few breaths to calm down before I decide what to do.

It takes practice and consistency to develop this skill, but you and your child will be glad you did!